President Donald Trump was inaugurated as the 47th president of the United States on Monday afternoon, but before that, it has become a hot topic that he greeted his wife Melania Trump.
The president pouted for a kiss just before the inauguration, and under a wide-brimmed hat, Melania tilted her cheek just enough to receive an air kiss. Some on social media thought the mistake was intentional. Others called it a cute moment for the couple. You may also remember former Vice President Al and Tipper Gore’s three-second smooch during the 2000 campaign.
Do you and your partner sometimes argue in public like the Gores, or do you have a more private demeanor like the Trumps? Experts say couples should set their boundaries. We encourage you to talk beyond and respect each other’s love languages when it comes to PDA.
“Some contacts may come naturally to one person, but not to another,” Cecil Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker, previously told USA TODAY. “Agreement and understanding are key.”
Additionally, Kathy Nickerson, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert, added, “You don’t want to give someone permission to do something that they will later resent.”
“Please be sensitive about it.”
Couples can always bring up PDA conversations, Nickerson says. But be sure to do so before crossing someone’s boundaries. Especially if one partner wants more intense PDA than hand-holding and pecks on the cheek.
“Just talk about it sensitively and say, ‘I love you, I’m so happy, we’re together, and things are great,'” Nickerson says. “Please don’t put your hands in my sweater or play with my bra when I’m in public.”
Important: “I’m not comfortable with sexting” and “One glass of wine is my limit.” How to set relationship boundaries.
“Most people are pretty consistent.”
Differences in attitudes toward PDA may stem from childhood.
“Humans are raised with or without love, so depending on how much love they received while growing up, they’re probably more or less accustomed to it,” Nickerson said. However, people have different preferences for a myriad of reasons.
“People who think of touch and affection as the main expressions of love will naturally think that not getting touch and affection from their partner is a negative sign, when in reality, their partner doesn’t notice. “They may not be aware of it, or they may be embarrassed by the assumption that they perceive themselves to be loving in a different way,” says Ahrens.
Still, don’t expect people’s love languages to change.
“I tend to say that most people remain fairly consistent in what they like throughout their lives,” Nickerson says. “But when someone experiences some kind of change, such as having an affair, getting cancer, or losing a loved one, the desire for physical comfort and affection may also change.”
Couples therapy can also shake up a relationship. It “helps heal emotional rifts between couples and fosters new ways of relating to each other,” Ahrens says.
Keep this in mind: What to do if you and your partner have different love languages
What to do if you and your partner use different PDA styles
Express your needs and listen to your partner. “If you notice any hesitancy or obvious refusal, respect that and respect boundaries,” Ahrens says. “But don’t leave it at that. At some point, you may want to explore the reasons for your hesitation or ambiguity, deepen your understanding, and find ways to establish more trust and security.”
And just because you don’t do much physicality in public doesn’t mean your partner will take minimal physicality in private. “If your partner is a physical type, it’s okay to not want to show affection in public, but be sure to give them plenty of physical contact at home,” Nickerson says.
Pay attention to changes and act on them. If your partner was very interested in holding hands and then suddenly stops holding hands, ask them why.
compromise. No, the only days you can flirt in public are Tuesdays and Thursdays. “We don’t want to go to either extreme, but rather find a comfortable middle ground,” Nickerson said. Think about where it makes sense to hold hands or hug. Are crowded restaurants too much or okay? What about less crowded parks?
Accept that it can be a deal breaker. “Everyone has a different list of non-negotiable traits,” Ahrens says. “If the two countries fundamentally disagree on the PDA and are unable to reach a mutually satisfactory compromise, it may be time to reassess the relationship.”
Above all, stop comparing and trust your partner.