Being someone else’s “second choice” is never easy. Just ask the contestants for Netflix’s “Love Is Blind.”
The reality show has never been invisible after asking people, falling in love, perhaps engaged, becoming visible, chatting through a split “pod.” In the latest season released this month, Mason has feelings for the two women he dated, Madison and Meg. After Mason told Madison he was committed to her, she ended things with him in support of the other suitor Alex. She didn’t have it when Mason went back double and tried to make it work with Meg. She knows she is his second choice and shares that he never confirmed her feelings.
“I don’t know if what you’re saying is true…” she said. “And I’m sure I can’t get through it.”
Therapist says it’s natural to have all sorts of feelings about your partner’s past relationship, but that doesn’t mean that your current relationship is destined. It’s all about finding the love that you work to give and receive.
“The distinction between being able to feel loved by a new person in your life that you have a relationship with in the past and being ranked in that person’s perceived place in your life. There is,” says Laura Pettiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “In the end, if someone doesn’t receive love in a way that makes sense to them in a relationship, then the relationship reflects this negativity.”
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“You might be exaggerating.”
Take a moment to take a step back. “Love is blind” is not real life. “Reality TV often increases dynamics and creates situations that would otherwise not be encountered,” says Kimberly Belled Shashua, a licensed clinical social worker. “Do you need to rank your options after you’re locked up in a box? Hopefully, that’s once in a lifetime dynamic.”
That being said, if you feel like someone’s second choice, think about where it came from. Is this something you know for the sake of fact, or “What are the actions and words that led to this conclusion being drawn?” Petiford asks. Also, “Is it inherent to a relationship where both partners can work on solving it? Or does one partner have something to do to resolve the trauma of a past relationship?”
Comparisons are also at the root of many problems. “It’s fascinating to compare your relationship with a relationship you think you’ve had in the past,” and “No People That Are Mentally Strong” and “13 Strong People That Are Strong” podcast host says Amy Morin, a psychotherapist who is author of “I won’t do it.” “However, it is important to remember that you don’t have any direct knowledge of their true connections. You may be exaggerating how close they are, and your current ones You may convince yourself that relationships don’t measure.”
It’s okay if your romantic partner has a past relationship – in fact, you’re expected. But the only way to know the truth is to tell it all. “If you are hesitant to have those conversations or trust your partner to provide honest answers, that’s already a problem you shouldn’t ignore,” adds Shashore.
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Please don’t “driving the wedge” in your current situation
Speaking of it means that relationships must sit on a solid foundation of trust. That’s especially true if you know that you’re actually a “second choice.”
“In general, a person’s level of self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-image all play a role in their ability to address the initial challenge of entering this nature’s relationship. Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker. “This may also apply to those making the choice, in which case they may have to work through their own questions and doubts about their choices and the rest of their feelings about their “first choice.” Not there. ”
But hugging this issue can hurt your relationship more than it helps. “You may find yourself always thinking about your partner’s ex and they don’t actually think about it at all,” Morin says. “But if you can’t move on, drive a wedge between them.”
Try to find the balance between hashing your feelings and just living your life. After all, being someone’s “second choice” may not be so bad.
“If you have a healthy relationship now and your partner is completely committed to a moving forward relationship, you may be lucky to get this version of them,” Morin said. adds. “At another time in your life, the relationship may not have worked out.”