A new year is a time for fresh starts, but for those who are grieving, January may not bring new beginnings. This includes grief over pets. Grief has no timeline, and we don’t care about the promise of “new year, new you.” There are ways to mourn your lost pet while also moving forward.
I lost my best friend of 17 years in December, so it’s been difficult to celebrate the end of the year. I have had a Standard Poodle, Sophia, since she was a puppy. We lived together after our divorce and moved twice. My parents died when I was young, so she was in my life longer than my father and almost as many years as my mother. This gentle, empathetic, kind dog was my consistency and family. By the time she passed away, I had spent the previous two months in “doggy hospice,” bouncing back and forth between the emergency room and chemotherapy, arranging medication and preparing meals. By the time I said my final goodbye to my dog, I was already mentally and physically exhausted. Thanksgiving.
I have lost family members near Christmas before, but this grief was different. I felt like I could have tried a different approach or done more to save her, like I had let the dog down. I spent days worrying about what I should have done.
Through her comforting Instagram account, I met Dr. Katie Lawler, who specializes in counseling clients through the death of a pet. Lawler says guilt is the most important emotion in therapy. This can complicate the process of navigating what is called “anticipatory grief,” or the sadness you feel when you know your pet is going to die but it hasn’t.
My dog passed away The loss of a pet causes deep grief, yet our society ignores it.
“We got the diagnosis, and even though he’s older than expected, we still hold out hope that something can be worked out,” she says. As pet owners, we always want the best, but the last moments we spend together should be celebrated and “we recommend not trying to grieve beforehand,” says Dr. Lawler. says. “You do that and you miss out on the opportunity to share together.”
Instead, use this opportunity to spend as much time as possible with your pet. For me, that means buying a wagon when Sophia’s legs get tired, taking her to the beach and harvest festivals (thank you Shady Brook Farm for letting me do this!), and making footprint art. did.
For you, that might mean creating a diary of the time you spent together, baking dog treats, or taking photos. Maybe you just decided to spend more time at home watching movies or listening to music together. Children can draw pictures of their pets and create art. As Lawler says, “The worst thing that can happen is for the animal to suddenly disappear,” so displaying art ensures that no sudden changes occur after the pet’s death. Express your feelings and encourage your children to do the same.
Anticipatory grief is followed, of course, by the grief of loss. While nothing but time can make this process easier, Lawler suggests checking in with yourself while you’re going through this pain. Are you functioning normally in terms of working, eating, and taking care of your regular health and hygiene routines? Or are you experiencing anxiety-filled depression and self-medicating with food? Are you doing this? Those symptoms may require grief counseling.
“Remember, you’re grieving the death of a connection,” says Lawler. Think about how your life has changed while you’ve had the pet, and be sure to discuss it with the people you shared a connection with the pet. “Death drowns out the noise and reminds us that our own mortal lives are limited,” she added. “When something familiar passes, we remember what we want to accomplish.” Be kind to yourself, because you’re grieving just as much as you’re grieving your pet.
If you’re starting the new year without your best friend, Lawler suggests several ways to memorialize your pet that can contribute to your community and start the year on a positive note.
“We can’t move on, but we can move on. We don’t have to let go of that love,” she says. She asks us to think about how we want to honor the time we spent with that animal and how it has changed. Ideas include sponsoring a foster home or animal adoption, volunteering at a rescue organization, or donating pet items to a shelter so you don’t get daily reminders (when you’re ready). This includes:
Also consider reusing items, such as turning a food bowl into a plant stand or a leash into a belt. Etsy creators can use the fabric from your pet’s collar to turn it into jewelry, and there’s even a way to turn ashes and fur into beautiful keepsakes.
As for me, I donated a lot of Sofia’s food as well as toys to the shelter and made a donation in her name. I looked into permission to build a small doggy bag container on her favorite tree. A photo of Sophia’s fluffy poodle is commemorated with a small tattoo on my arm, and I have a framed photo of us together. I also share my heart with a new puppy who has inherited not only Sophia’s bed but her community. Many friends have already stopped by to give gifts and share their love. And opening up to someone who is experiencing life with new eyes seems like the perfect way to start this new year.
How do you cope after losing a pet? Email [email protected] and tell us a happy story about your best friend.