In 2014, I was teaching English to undergraduate freshmen at a university in Massachusetts. The students in the class were angry at the new mission we were working on behind his job. He picked up a chair and passed the student’s aisle and the other side of the room.
Then he sat down as if nothing had happened. The chairs attacked no one, but several students had to cover their heads. As someone struggling with PTSD and dissociation as a result of childhood abuse and domestic violence (post traumatic stress disorder), I froze in front of the classroom and briefly flashbacks to previous violent incidents with my ex-partner.
When I recently re-watched the four-part adolescence on Netflix, I remembered this scene with a former student. The series explores the consequences that befall the 13-year-old, his family and community after he kills a female student he bullied online. He constantly denies his involvement, just as the police question the main character, Jamie. Ultimately, a video of Jamie stabbing a teenage girl and murdering her is shown.
The fact that for me, a boy can kill a girl and convince himself that he had done nothing wrong with a major social failure. Boys are taught that acting on anger is acceptable. It’s normalized.
When I was 25, I was dating a man for several months. His friend was visiting and asked if he was ready to go on an outdoor adventure with the two. In the spirit of the day, I said, “I was born ready.” My boyfriend misunderstood this as a sexual indication and immediately slapped me violently all over my face. No one spoke, and we proceeded as if nothing had happened that day. My boyfriend’s friend never reached out to me after the incident. He did nothing to suggest that he thought violence was unfair. It taught me that violence is a normal and acceptable behavior.
My student’s behavior then scared me to the point that I wasn’t sure I could keep the other 20 classes of students safe in his presence. I approached the supervisor. The supervisor suggested contacting both campus security and on-campus learning disability centres, which serve students with physical or cognitive problems.
I was hoping that campus security would talk to students and document chair events, so there could be paper marks.
Instead, campus police said no one was injured, so there were no incidents to report. The Learning Disabilities Center told me that students were participating in their program but were unable to share information with me about the students and how they treated him.
Addressing these issues in young boys is important to prevent serious violence in their actions when they age. We are failing our children, and we are at a crossroads with increasing violence among boys and young men, and only escalating if we can’t find a viable solution. My abusive ex-partner had no healthy male role model because he grew up. According to my abuser and his mother, he was not taught to suppress his temper or monitor his anger.
I believe that consciousness must begin from parents and at an early age.
Frustration and anger must be named, named and faced. Escalation can be prevented when youth are taught to identify behaviors that trigger defensive or out of control reactions. When parents can acknowledge and point out the behavior of their children, acting solutions and alternatives can be provided.
“Timeouts” at home or at school should not be used as punishment, but as an opportunity to retreat, breathe and reassess the situation. The process must be repeated and strengthened to a new response pattern. Encouraging boys to identify and express their emotions, whether they are angry, sad, or frustrated, can be a great step forward in teaching them to recognize those feelings rather than simply act.
Once children enter school, discussions about emotions and appropriate behavior must become a regular part of class instruction. A new definition of “timeout” can provide students with self-care practice. Timeouts with the school therapist’s office or guidance counselor or other trained staff can be a safe place to discuss alternative responses that will calm and act on anger.
In classroom instruction, role-play situations help students learn and practice alternative responses to anger and attack when faced with upset stimuli. This type of practice and reinforcement can become a new autoresponder if children are given sufficient feedback and opportunities in both home and school situations. Teaching classroom mental health issues that begin at an early age can help terrify feelings of shame, isolation and helplessness.
Embarrassment and shame can be a huge trigger for both boys and girls, and in adolescence, Jamie led him to fatally stab a girl who bullied him online. Shame and anger are normal human responses to certain situations, but dealing with these feelings from a very young age can help children learn to cope in a healthy and safe way, rather than becoming more intense towards others. My abuser was experiencing shame when he assumed my reaction to his friend was sexual.
As a society, we teach boys and men that anger is accepted. TV commercials and films portray men as physically and mentally strong until they become weak and inferior in their representation of vulnerability.
It’s time to teach boys and men that when they’re comfortable knowing their feelings, they’re stronger and less weaker.
Until men and boys can identify and switch emotional gear instead of acting on anger, we will never be able to create a society where all humans (boys and men, girls, women) can interact with each other, with mutual respect, safety.
The views expressed in this article are the authors themselves and do not necessarily reflect Al Jazeera’s editorial stance.